I work for these people and I don't really know what to say...

So weird...

Am I a Man?

Yes... technically... yes (flight of the conchords reference). But anyway...

This morning I was staring at myself in the mirror trying to decide whether or not I should shave. I decided that the stubble on my face made me feel a little more manly and I decided that I can use all the reminders I can get. It made me think though. A couple weeks ago I wrote what I would call, "The Story of my Man-ness" in my journal. It was pretty much the story of my life and the key stories, moments, personality traits and failures that have shaped who I am as a man. I wrote at the end that I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a man. And this morning I wonder how true that is. As I thought about my facial hair I thought about how often I don't really think of myself as a man. Or worse I think of myself as a man but don't embrace the meaning or responsibilities of it. It's kinda like being given the title and license of a doctor but refusing to treat your patients on days when you feel burnt out. You'd get pissed if someone said you weren't a doctor or shouldn't be practicing, but really your actions don't show that you're anybody different from someone who isn't a doctor. A friend told me this afternoon, you don't need anyone to tell you your a man, but you need lots of people to tell you what you're supposed to do because of it. Then he asked me why that's the case. It's because the primary responsibilities of manhood involve self-sacrifice (providing and protecting specifically) and not self-preservation. None of me normally wants to give anything up. Most of the time I'm thinking about how I can hold onto more and save myself from pain, instead of give away more of myself until I have nothing left. The other aspects of manhood, the pursuer and leadership nature of it, I often fear my own inadequacies.

The good news is that Jesus provides in pretty solid ways through the cross to address both fears of discomfort and of inadequacy. To my discomfort Jesus offers future hope and a resurrection. To my inadequacy he offers me the opportunity to nail my sins to a cross and the robe off his back to clothe my shame. He offers a Spirit that brings power to live above my circumstances instead of drowning in the sea of them. That same Spirit gives me peace in the midst of the deep questions caused by the pain of life. And all of this gives me great hope for the future. I don't know all of what it holds but I believe it will be good. Let not the lamp of hope die, my friends. For the morning comes soon...

Twice in one month?

No, that last post was a poem I wrote years ago finally reappearing... this is fresh though.

I was reading in Philippians 2 yesterday reading that passage where Paul tells believers to be humble. He says stuff like "Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit." and "consider others more significant than yourselves." As I read that yesterday morning, I took it in stride as just a piece of a long list of areas of my heart that need work. But as I continued reading a couple lines down, I got to this part where Paul says to do this stuff so that we can be like Jesus. He made himself a servant. He was God and gave it up to be a man. One who would die for those who followed him for a few years and then ditched him when things took a turn. And it occurred to me. The essence of the believer's life is not to regain what we've lost, or even to hold onto the things that we have. The point is to give ourselves away for the sake of others as much as we possibly can, maybe even our entire lives. I'm not talking like Jimmy Stewart "It's a Wonderful Life" type giving away your life (although that's one of my favorite movies of all time). I'm talking your friends walk away from you when you're about to die type of life. Paul says be like Jesus. I have to confess that it's been only recently that I've started to take that advice with any weight, and I hope that one day I will take it with greater serious that I do now. Until then I'm eternally grateful that the man I want to be like made himself lower than me.

Hope...

O Lord let me fix my eyes
steadfast upon your face
for only then can I believe
that you still offer grace.
Fixed hard upon the smile-worn lines
which now form love's stern gaze.